finding love: a rock or a hard place?

Well hello Handygirl.
I am also a girl - an adult one - experiencing the prevalence of females in my social life, and almost total lack of male friends. And frankly I love my gals but sometimes find team estrogen a little tiring. Anyway, I'd really like some fellas in my social circle, but I wonder if my ultimate search for a mate - a male one - is hindering my ability to engage with men in a purely platonic way. I mean come on, there's always that itching question, "Will we do it?" You hearin' me? Anyway, I'm open as always to your thoughts.

dude depleted

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dear dude depleted,
okay, so here’s the deal: in the heterosexual world, men and women dig each other, they dance around each other, they get naked together and they throw the sausage down the hallway. this is part of the human condition and it has been going on since the dawn of civilization. there are three main reasons for this: a biological need to procreate, a means of making money and pure pleasure. an argument can be made that sex is pleasurable so that people will keep doing it so that humans will keep getting born, but a counter-argument also exists. we need air and food and sunlight and water in order to stay alive, but none of those things will give us the pleasure that sex will bring, and we don’t exactly see people out there orgasming all over the street when hit in the nape of the neck by a hot ray of sunshine.

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men and women can be physically attracted to each other from first glance, but they will inevitably become more or less attractive once they get to know each other. i had a female friend once who was always doing it. she’d had more lovers than all my other friends put together. one day she made the statement, ‘sex is always better when you know the person’ and while this was funny in the moment, there was more than a titch of wisdom in what she had said. how many times have we dated someone, only to find ourselves repulsed by the thought of them two months later, put off by how they use a knife and fork, annoyed by the idiosyncrasies that once made them cute and charming?
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i dated a man a few years ago who was sweet and kind and caring and strong, but dumb as a sack of nails. i thought he was hard of hearing, but it turned out he was hard of knowing. another time, there was a man who was so physically attractive that i didn’t care if he was not mature or experienced enough to know what he really wanted, or that he had issues with intimacy and with trust. there is another man who had always been just a friend, but the more i got to know him, the more i wanted to jump his bones. while we may answer our physical urges by acting too quickly, are we denying ourselves a potentially healthy long-term relationship by not taking the time to get to know the person first, by not being harder to get? more importantly, are we wasting valuable dating years in relationships with the wrong people?

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so, here is the handiest advice i can give you: there is nothing wrong with having male friends. in fact, men make excellent pals. i have some male friends that i will never be romantically attracted to, and some who stir up the random thought juices. the best way to attract a good guy is to have male friends, because men have cousins and brothers and workmates and other friends and this will widen your social circle considerably. yes, there will be sexual tension and yes, maybe even some awkward moments, but consider this: men rock, they’ve got it going on, they’re all that and a bag of chips, they’ve got the goods and we need them, we want them, we have to have them.

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i will also mention that they need us just as much, and then some. the more men you know, the better your chances are for finding a mate. i would rather be with a man who took the time to get to know me and like me for who i am, than waste my energy on those who cannot commit or aren’t looking for a real relationship. oh, and one other thing, some men want to have female friends so that they can get laid without attachment or commitment. the bottom line is this: any man who is a good friend is not going to screw you, not unless that is what you’re asking him for…

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