handy girl

Changing tires, changing diapers and changing minds all over town...


truth or truth: is there really any question?

Great answer, Handy Girl,
My situation is similar to Hopin' except I know my wife is not the one for me. We got together when I was going through a bad break-up, and deep down I knew it was a mistake to marry her. I care about her and respect her, and I would never cheat, but lately I have been very attracted to a woman at work. Our chemistry is like nothing I've felt before, and I know she feels the same way about me. I have no children, but I would really like to one day, but I don’t feel any desire to have children with my wife. Should I stay in a relationship that I know is wrong, or should I end it? I don't want to hurt anyone but I also can't spend my life pretending anymore. Please help me.
dear stuck,
seems you have found yourself in a pickle of a sticky situation. by admitting you are married to the wrong person, it sounds like you have already begun to leave the marriage. life presents us with what we need at the time in order to learn and grow, and you must now ask yourself some very important questions.
why did you marry your wife? when you met, you were going through a break-up. you were in a state of flux, of not knowing what was happening next, of ending one relationship and beginning another. you say you knew it was a mistake at the time, but you did it anyway. has this happened before? are you just repeating the same mistakes over and over and over?
are you absolutely certain that your wife is not the one? if there is any doubt, you need decide if it’s worth tossing out the bath water before you’ve even had the baby. raising children is the most important job in the universe. our choices in procreative mating ought to stand the test of time, no matter what happens in our adult relationships.
are you living as your true self, the person who is uniquely you? we often fall outside of our selves and conform to expectations of others. as time goes by, we can get further and further away from living with authenticity.
is the devil on one shoulder coaxing you to break up your marriage, or is the angel on the other saving you from a lifetime of misery? maybe the devil wants you to live in misery and the angel wants you to work it out with your wife. living with integrity and being honest with our selves, has to be our first priority.
if you really, truly, honestly can’t see yourself being with your wife for the long haul, it is not fair to keep her in the dark about your feelings. these are valuable years that she will never get back, and staying in the marriage can prevent her from meeting a man who does want to be the father of her babies.
when life is not moving in the direction we would like it to, sometimes we manifest a catalyst, to create a situation of abrupt change. catalysts come in many forms, from illnesses to car accidents.
since you have known all along that your marriage was a mistake, you’ve probably been putting the catalyst vibe out there for some time, and it has manifested itself in your feelings for this other woman. if you are meant to be with her once you are free and clear, you will be. take this as a gift from the universe. you could have ended up in a hospital bed.
now for some handy advice: should you go down the break-up road, whatever you do, be kind and be honest. it takes many, many more hours on a therapist’s couch to forgive a dishonest, assholier-than-thou mate, than it does to forgive a decent guy. since forgiveness is the key to letting go, your wife will eventually need to forgive you in order to truly move forward in her life.
keep your private life private, and keep the particulars to a minimum. none of your friends want to know the shockingly gory, intimate details regarding the dissolution of your marriage. when the dust settles, there will be a greater chance that both of you will maintain mutual friends, if they are not privy to the nitty-gritty’s, and a greater chance that you willl both be able to move into new relationships in healthy ways. stay true to your truth, do what you will, and harm none.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Handy Girl,
You are wise. I know what I have to do. I think maybe Handy Girl is my catalyst!
Thank you,

2:45 p.m.  

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